i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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