bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Less talking, more tequila
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
