shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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