My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.