After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
