worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
