come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
