i just wanna soil my oats bro
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
