The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
