The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
