I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
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