I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
