Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
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Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
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He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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