tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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