Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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