my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
