Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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