I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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