If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
