all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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