I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
