I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you told grandpa to call you daddy
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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