You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
