watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
