Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
