My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Vodka?
Forever.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
