Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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