i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
