It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
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For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
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I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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