my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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