um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
