and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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