...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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