Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i will never coherently bang her
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
