there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you win again, gameday.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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