I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
