I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
