Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
