I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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