Your dad touched me again.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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