I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
