So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
where are my eyebrows?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
