I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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