She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dear god my vagina.
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