Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
