i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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