goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
