I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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