I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
