Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
