Your dad touched me again.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
