If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
