Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
