He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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