just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
