i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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