I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
